So yesterday was indeed a very up and down day. The day before had left me with a bitterness niggling at the back of my head. Long story short .. Facebook drama. Honestly at the age of 35 I am far too old for this. I deleted someone who annoyed me and so ensued several nasty messages. And all because I posted how I do not think an 11 year old should have an Iphone, unlimited access to the internet and a facebook. Turns out the person who had a go at me thinks there is nothing wrong with this as they let their underage kids do it too. The bitterness though comes from the fact that they felt I was not grateful for some of the work they recommended me for and that this over reaction mixed with gossip may affect work in the future and other people onions of me.. Now this is where my brain goes a bit wonky. On a personal level people can think what they want of me and my ‘bad parenting’ I hope that the decent people don’t listen to what is now bound to be a blown out of proportion “you never guess what” office story. I have lots of very good friends and I am not going to miss the odd person who doesn’t know me or will never actually will. No loss for me as I only want nice people in my life. The problem I have is that if they do go around telling people their twisted side of things turning their feeling and onion into fact then I may lose work. At the time when the work was offered I was very grateful and said my thanks and always do when I get an email offering me more work. This is because I am grateful of every job opportunity I hate the thought of people making out that I am two faced, false, and an ungrateful. The line of work I am in and being self-employed also means that I am a ‘brand’ gossip like this can kill a person’s career. So I am now carrying around worry over this.
So waking up with this going through my mind yesterday came with the anxiety of work and lack of money. Trying to keep on deep breathing and focusing on being mindful of the here and now was going rather well as I was getting my youngest ready for school until I broke. I broke at the point when he came down prepared to go to school without his coat. The usual questioning or the where’s and why’s took place and I was assured it was at school; as I took a deep calming breath (because he doesn’t own more than one coat and it was raining) I looked down at his feet. Boom all calming mindful thoughts went out of my head as my heart sank at the sight of his broken school shoes. He has already lost his full PE kit at school which cost £75, his coat is potentially lost £30 and his shoes he can no longer wear £20. The school are so strict about the uniform I knew there would be issues with the fact I cannot afford to replace his PE kit, and will not have the money to buy him some decent school shoes that will last more than half a term until the New Calendar Year. I have two paydays left until Yule my oldest 18th birthday in January and am currently on £50 per week. When I say I broke I mean I actually broke, tears stress worry all came flooding to me and how I cannot provide for my children = me being the worst mother in the world (yes I know I am actually not and indeed a very good mother but that’s not how your head works when you hit a crisis)
After taking many many deep breaths and snuggling with my other half who had the day off I started to get ready for the day, digging down to fight the urge to stay in bed and forget about the day. We had a plan that would make for a happy day. We go and do some bits for an hour, that wasn’t inline to the planned day I was looking forward to. While he went off for his job interview I came home to do some work and there waiting for me was a nasty message from the mother of the before mentioned 11 year old with the Iphone. Apparently my youngest was showing her son porn on it and she was very pissed off about it. I pointed out that this is a natural thing for boys of their age to be looking at, especially with the sex Ed they have been going through at school and that it what happens when you let your son have unlimited unsupervised access to the internet. If you don’t want your son to look at it then don’t give him the means to do so. Of cause I had the usual reply of how it was my entire fault, my sons fault and that I should look at my parenting and home life before I criticise her parenting. I have nothing against porn and think it is perfectly natural, i have never told my boys sex is dirty, that sex is a taboo and here is something i get told off for a lot. when my oldest son was younger (before the age of 12) i let him look at porn magazines, these were ones i had got, that i had looked through because if he was going to look at it he is going to find it from somewhere. Either the dodgy internet sites or from the mysterious stash you find in woods/parks etc. We spoke freely about sex, the things you can find on the net and that if he had any questions about sex then he can always come to me and ask. And oh boy does he ask. With my parenting i am very open and honest about everything. I would rather know what my kids are doing and them to know that even though i may not be happy in their choices will always be there for them. I would hate it and do hate it if they go behind my back and hide things from me, i cannot help them if they get in a horrible situation if i don’t know what is going on, or if there are bad consequences to their choice i would rather be there with them through it rather than them struggle through it alone.
Despite knowing my sons friends mother is full of shit this played on my mind all day, I know I am not in the wrong, and I know I am a good mother. My parenting skills are different to most as are my views but the whole thing has just made me really sad that I live in a place full of people who are on a completely different level to me, again feeling the outcast and freak that I always have done. Honestly without all my friends on the internet I wouldn’t have been able to handle yesterday at all. My friends are great, my like minded friends who make me feel part of something, who see the world in similar ways that I do and get annoyed by the ‘general Norm society’ too. How can these people make you feel so shit and doubt yourself within a few words confuses me and makes me angry yet at the same time the reassurance that I get from others like me makes me wish we had the internet when I was at school so I could of made the fantastic friends I have today.
So that was yesterday, all the thoughts, feelings and emotions are still going around my head … with the odd urge to go down and say a few words to said mother. This would more than likely end up with me getting arrested so I will not be doing it. See therapy works lol there would have been a time where no questions would have been asked just me simply going to her house, knocking her out the minute she opened the door and walked away. I am so proud of myself for not being this person anymore, for the hard work I had to and did put into myself to get this far and in the knowledge that despite what the norms may say I am a bloody good mother and my boys do me proud.