Welcome to my new years essay .. I was not intending for it to be this long, heck what do you expect comeing from me? So you may want to grab a cuppa/glass of your choice lol
Ok so I have not been sleeping very well because of all this bloody thinking I have been doing, I think I have even gone through writing this blog post a few times too. Why? Well because once it is written down it is no longer in my head, it is out there for all to see and a huge public reminder of all the things I am setting out to achieve. Scary!. My life change started 7 years ago when I decided to come off all of my medication and I have been working on improving myself since, I have also been building up to this moment .. My 6th stage in the 7 year cycle of life or as it is “commonly” called the Generic Cycles of Uranus. I am a huge believer in the 7 year cycles by the way.
So back to the blog post in hand, my goals my list of things that I both want and need out of my life for it to be mine. You may notice like some of my friends have that there is nothing really materialistic this is a very important part to who I am, in life instead of having the fast car I want the feeling people would get from having one or driving it, I am not defined by the stuf I have, even though I do own some pretty darn cool stuff I could happily live without it.
My vision book is in sections in no particular order of importance and by no means finished, it never will be finished as one of the joys of something like this is the ability to grow, to evolve alongside me as a person
Who i am: – my general outlook on what I feel is important to carry through all the parts of my life. Words I aspire to live by. Health wise there isn’t much i have left to do. Other than diet and exercise .. oh yeah now i think about it that is a huge one. I would love to have the money to start the gym again, i really miss it so i am going to work on getting money so i can do this. For those that do not know i have early onset osteoarthritis, i already have two crumbly discs at the bottom of my back and two in my neck that are not at their best so to speak, and my right knee has also seen better days, diet wise i am intolerant to dairy, gluten and yeast. This is proving to be the hardest part of looking after myself. I am devising a diet that we can all eat as a family but my main mission is to find snacky foods that taste nice for times where i really do not want to have to cook just to get something to eat.
Spirituality:- goes without saying what this shows. I have a strong spirituality that has grown over the years to something that I have been told is quite “custom made” being a “thinker” has meant that a lot has gone into this. I have a strong connection with our ancestors and embrace a lot of beliefs as our natural spiritual evolution. I may not follow a religion but there are so many similarities between them all that this no longer matters for me. Gone are the days of wanting to fit in, this can be said with my general outlook on life too as both in the past have left me feeling isolated. I now have a nice circle of friends who share the same “path” as me and think along the same line too. I am going to dedicate more time to my practices and integrate them more into my every day life.
Artistic/creative side to me:- this is a bog one for me, I am going to get back to loving my artistic side and style. This is a big one for me and takes a lot of battling. I have already made a start, slow and steady as it may be but I am doing opposite action to emotion. My emotions are telling me not to bother, that my art is better off never being shown, that my view on the world through photography and creativeness is invalid. All echoes from my past which is now going to be kept there. The people who knocked me down so much over the years leaving me creatively disabled are no longer factors in my life. I am not going to give them the control me anymore and am instead going to focus on the people who I have around me giving me the support I need as well as my mantra of “art, photography and creativity comes from emotions and the heart, it shows how the artist sees the world thus making it impossible for it to be wrong. Opinions are not fact. Especially opinions fuelled by negative judgments. I am going to have to take this into my performing side that I have too and I am sure there will be many blog posts about frustrations and success in the up and coming months. If I can believe in unicorns and faeries I can believe in myself.
Family:- my sense of duty to both my boys and other half are very strong, they always get put before myself which does cause contention at times. This is part of me but I have come to understand the importance of balancing this with putting myself first sometimes. To me family is the glue to my life. As a “blended” family it has not had the time to grow with the children, my other half came into an already made family and because of our pasts we have all had our walls up, these are slowly being knocked down and the benefits are proving to be quite awesome, of cause it is always going to need work as we all grow, especially the kids as every day we are not only working through past problems but also those that every new day brings. Things can be a financial struggle at times mainly around bills and the basic food shop. I am queen of budgeting and as we speak I have notes on how I am going be refining this budget even more to work for me. More emphasis is going to put into family time and creativity. I am stopping using the bloody TV as company and back ground noise. We do not watch a lot of TV compared to most people but i have found the reliance of having around a distraction such as the TV to be really annoying, not in the actual TV but in myself. We are not going to stop watching the things we enjoy but cutting out on the ‘pointless crap to kill time’ is going out of the window, it had started getting to be a habit and a great distraction for me as it takes me out of my thoughts and what i need to do. Music all the way baby
My romantic life:- “there can only be one” well it doesn’t just apply to highlander but also the love of your life and I am lucky enough to of finally found him. So why is it I have let the issues from the past have an impact on what I have now? it has all been a bit swings and round abouts at times, I am the first to admit I have had huge issues and have behaved in ways for fear of losing what I have got, you have to love commitment issues. He has also done the same so we have agreed to stop being scared of losing each other and to put the energy into the time we have together instead. Goodness knows why we didn’t agree to this earlier but I guess six years to realise this is better than seven. Lol Oh and if we get handfasted BONUS i asked him to marry me 4 years ago on the last 29th Febuary, I do not need a legal contract with the government towe love each other but spiritualy speaking this is important to me I am not going to sugar coat it when i say how much it hurts the he said he wasn’t ready but at the same time i fully understand and accept it. The important part is that we are together … I am still going to keep dreaming about a handfasting though.
Home:- or more the place I am going to live in:- I want a retreat in the country, mainly staying in the area I am in now. I love my town and location as five minutes from where I love, you are in the country while at the same time having a great town at its heart. My retreat is also going to be a place of work, not just for me but also my friends, a place where we have can mini festivals, people over to camp, to hold workshops, have a spiritual creative space and for a place where all can enjoy life. If you think “hippie commune/community” but with the added “techy” sides to things then are will not be too far off my dream. It also means of course that I can have the people I love around me like a huge family. See told you family was important to me, my friends are family I can choose.
Travel:- isn’t something I do often, again because of my strong sense of being home mean I get scared of going away to the unknown. In the past I can get that het up before going away I make myself ill and of cause convincing myself things are going to go horribly wrong. I am always so glad to get home. Again this is already I have started work on this year already, with a huge help from winning a festival ticket. That meant camping, or as I am starting to call it Clamping. I have started taking little things to turn my tent into my nest and it seems to be working. I am going to travel and see some of the world when the time is right, I am embracing my urge to explore.
Career:- something I have not really given much thought to in the past because my main focus in life has always been my children. I have had jobs that were ‘just for money’ jobs but they have never lasted too long because of the illnesses I have. This is not an excuse but was the main drive behind me starting my own business. To start off with it was just making hoops but after getting “screwed over” it didn’t carry on as a good earner. I have performed in the past so took this approach for a while but still felt a gap. Then last year I started another business, more of a sister to the one I already had and took the plunge into the therapeutic side of what I do. To quote a friend “you do it anyway and have helped loads of people why not get paid for it?” back then I thought I had taken the plunge, turns out I just stuck my big toe in. As much as I have not liked the thought of it I am going to have to market myself but in a way that fits the person I am. This involves confidence in myself, ok this involves getting confidence in myself and keeping it. I applied for over a hundred jobs in the past twelve months in order to have a ‘just for money’ job. I didn’t even get an interview. Talk about messing with your confidence, my CV isn’t the strongest let alone my illnesses and the fact I have children all get considered into whether or not you are employable, to be perfectly honest I do not think I could work with ‘norms’ again. It wasn’t their fault but my brain works different to theirs and I couldn’t cope with it. This may come across as a bit snobbish and if it does then it isn’t meant to. So my big huge decision is to stop trying to fit in with the idea that “a job is just a way of getting money” as much as I am fond of money it isn’t the most important thing in my life. I do however need it and more than I am getting at the moment. To do this I need to put real effort into my businesses, so that’s the hoopy circus sides of things, the performer and the artist. Shit that means confidence and marketing myself. I am my own merchandise so to speak, I am a product but one that fully intends to stick to her ethics and morals. I decided that the past unsuccessful job applications were a sign that a am meant to be doing this with my life, yes at times things are going to feel like a struggle but the intent is to use this as more of a “test your might” in the past I have been through hell, and I have come out of it. If I budget effectively and not give in to the “sod it” days all should be good. “I have the power”
The last section is focusing on fun I have had and intend to keep. Positive reinforcement pages I guess they should be called
How the hell am I going to make this work?
The trick is not to give in, to constantly work at it accepting bad days for just that, a single bad day. I may feel like rubbish at time but it doesn’t make me rubbish. I may fear failing but failing myself before others can is such a corrosive thing to have with you in life, if I can choose to change then change will happen, what has been so familiar to me over the years leave me with the familiar sense of worthlessness. How the hell is that a good thing?!! So yes I am going to be taking my own advice for once I am going to start living the talk instead of there being one rule for me and another more positive one for everyone else.
maybe i should put in there about shorter blog posts? Hmmmmmmm
So what are your hopes for your future?