Yes I am aware that I am doing this on a Sunday, but I had written this yesterday just forgot/avoided posting it. I should warn you it is quite long and it may not make much sense as it unedited.
The week did not go to plan, not one bit and I am the reason why.
As you know my other half had the week off, the plan was for me to relax, have fun, be pampered by my boyfriend, and do lots of photography. This didn’t work out I have had a really bad head crap week, to put it mildly. My great ability to self sabotage lived up to its reputation.
Monday I was still stressed from the weekend, the kids are being really challenging which drains all of my energy, I have lots to do in the day, every day and my youngest behaviour was made worse as he had been to his fathers. Money is really tight which was made worse by the fact the kids needed new boxers and socks, I need new undies too but I couldn’t afford them as the boys stuff took four weeks to save up for. Money always gets me down; I get fed up with having to choose between eating or clothing the kids. They both only have one coat, one pair of trainers no spares because that costs more than we have, the fact that doing the weekly shopping breaks me down so much I am wiping away tears by the time I am at the checkout. A lovely way of starting off a week. Tuesday marked the start of my slump. Trying to find the balance between doing what I needed to do and doing what I wanted to do was stressful to say the least. My other half noticing that I was down did the usual things of acting like nothing was wrong followed by treading on egg shells and then avoiding me; I think he was hoping for me to be able to drop everything I had to do. This is the only long running issue we have ever had. I wish I could do the ‘fuck it’ approach he can do but my brain doesn’t work like that so I got into the rut of not saying anything and keeping it all inside as there doesn’t seem to be a point in saying anything so not to upset anyone, annoy them, piss them off etc. I am always expected to get on with stuff so that is what I tried to do. Bad move. Instead of letting others know how my head was being I let it mull things over and work it out on my own. The only trouble is when you do this you switch off from everything else around you.
My head was making up for the good week I had last week. Full of un helpful thoughts that grind me down convincing me that there is no point in trying to get the life I want as I do not deserve it, will never achieve it, that I will be pretending and lying to the world and myself that my life will ever be the one I want. Just in case you are not aware of this great thought pattern once you get into it coming out is a whole different matter, once you are in there it doesn’t matter what others tell you they cannot out shout the negative voices. The feeling of being on your own in it all because the people you love do not understand what you are going through and knowing the only person who can help you is yourself. People around you lose patience with you because they do not understand, they just figure it is as easy as “just cheer up” “just forget about the past” “don’t let it get to you” errrr hello world but this little froggy has been through quite a lot and now has the great job of undoing everything other people did to me which may I point out is unfair and I am sick of it…. There are times when I would like a hug, being told that I am doing really well all things considered. But I guess that is also my job too. I know I will get through this eventually, that I will find some inner strength from somewhere AGAIN and get some fight back in my, so why make this down time fucking worse I mean I am sure there? oooops mini rant.
By Thursday I had noticed just how bad things were getting ,having to take myself off several times a day to cry should of pointed this out to me earlier, the thing that really stuck out though was my urge to delete every single photo I had ever taken and to burn the work in my sketch book. I didn’t delete the photos but I have ripped out my drawings and thrown them in the bin. Thursday evening while trying to get some sleep I decided to make a real effort in the morning.
Friday morning came; making a real effort I got out of bed with a smile and came up with ideas of what my other half and I could do for the day. This went down well, all apart from the odd comment about how he had been waiting all week for me to think of something and get enthusiastic about him being off. See this is where I sound like a bitch, I will point out that he is a great guy, in a way I am glad he doesn’t understand what I am going through because he has always had the ‘fuck it’ approach besides he has also been lucky enough to of always had support, always had encouragement with the things he ever wanted to do. He doesn’t understand because even now his parents are still there for him not matter what. If people ever told him he was crap he appears to have the confidence to ignore the shit people throw at him, yes this does make me a little envious to be honest.
So Friday morning plans were made, we went out took pictures and had a very nice lunch. I could actually afford to treat myself to a £15 steak meal!!! Only because my veg box was free this week after recommending Abel and Cole to a friend. Yes that money could have gone on things that we needed, like pants for me, or a bra that fitted properly or even food for me. For once I wanted to be able to do something a lot of people take for granted.. Such as eating something other than rice noodles for lunch let alone going out to eat. The 16oz steak option won me over; it was also frank parkers steak .. the best butchers in town and possibly the midlands. We came back to the house with the intent of taking still life photos of things I have around the house. I suddenly got very scared of taking any, not confident in my abilities at all as my head had started all over again. I suffer with anxiety a lot, even before I go out hooping, even with friends or for an open event for a friend shop not to mention when I go off to work. My head does it’s very best to convince me I am never going to be good enough for anything or anyone no matter how hard I pretend. I know this is all left over from my past, I know it doesn’t make it fact, I know I can change to better my life eventually but when my head gets into this dark place all the positive things I have achieved go out the window. I hit crisis point Friday afternoon, I have not been that bad in years and if it wasn’t for the therapy I worked my ass off at I would of no doubt self harmed. My head got that loud I ended up giving myself a head ache and the little ‘me voice’ that is in my head to stick up for me got a sore throat. Too much shouting shut up to my brain will do that I guess. I managed eventually to take a couple photos but deleted them straight after.
If I am honest I cannot remember much about the rest of the day and even as I am writing this I know I have gone into the numb mode, just going through the motions so to speak and I cannot wait to have a drink later, if I can afford one.
I have no idea right now how long this slump is going to last, what I do know is that I feel totally alone in having to deal with it all, I know this is because I am the only one who can change my mindset but I am still in the ‘it’s not fair’ mode. Hmmm also 1474 words and counting on a blog post is a little too long.