I feel as though the past two weeks or so has been filled with nothing but very sticky mud. That is the happiest way I can put it. I have a long history of mental health issues or as I like to call them ‘quirks’ to quote my eldest son “mum is everything ok I have not seen you like this in years” referring back to a darker time when I used to self harm. I will point out that although I am feeling like I did back then the urge to SH hasn’t happened and this of course is a very good thing. I am full of doubt, self loathing, hatred and lots of other feeling that I have not had in such a very long time.
It is scary, I thought I had got through all this before and trying to keep up with fighting against it is really hard. At this exact moment I am calm and clear headed and have not shed a tear in a couple of hours. I have not put anything off that I need to do and my old therapist would actually be quite proud of me right now. The “what if” thoughts are not helpful, such as “what if you are not actually supposed to get better, improve your life, be happy” see not helpful at all. I have tried arguing with my inner voice but that gave up at some point last week after throttled by the louder negative ‘mother’ voices. I really have no idea how I am going to get myself out of this slump.
So me being me did myself another reading .. I am not sure how many of you out there do your own readings or feel the same response as I do at time s which is usually the “no shit Sherlock” nothing like the cards pointing out what you already knew deep down, if only they would do the hard work for me.
You are still on the path that you need to be, that of your own transformative journey, that is if you have the strength, this is the aspect you are worried about, where are you going to get the strength from exactly?
You are still self reflecting on your whole situation but this may be getting a little distorted, you’re battling with boundaries and limitations mainly of the mind rather than the physical. If you can find the strength to keep battling on then you will be able to achieve the transformation you desire within yourself.
All these tears are a way of you purging yourself of the negative past that is holding you back; it is like purification process, clearing out the negative to make way for the positive. You need to overcome what is holding you back though which is your perception of yourself and your skill set. You are much more than you think you are.
See what I mean? I know some of this already, I guess what is nice is knowing I am still going in the right direction.