We all know the time will come when our kids will want to move home, for some of this can be an awesome experience where we get to see them fly the nest with a happy heart knowing that the foundations have been set for a good strong start in life.
this is at least how I thought it would go for me too but something happened just before my eldest son hit 18, we had been going through some issues before hand, teenage attitudes of not wanting to follow the rules, do chores etc all of which we have always done in our house. I did of course put this down to his age. But there were awesome times, having a laugh, dancing in the kitchen while cleaning and turning the tasks into a giant musical. We have a bond you see, it has always been me and him vs. the world with more than enough life experience any child should go through. He started being a young carer at a very young age but this brought us closer together. No matter what we went through we were each other’s strength, there isn’t anything we have never been comfortable with talking about, especially when it came to advice.
Then the arguments started, the rules had not changed but he no longer saw why he should do them, the respect had gone from our relationship and I was no longer someone he would listen to, all he wanted was to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted regardless of any responsibilities he had. The respect for his younger brother went and turned into what can only be described as hatred and resentment. College started going downhill and there was nothing else I could do but keep doing the nagging mum thing. Heck after all it is my job isn’t it?
A month ago he left home, after an argument over him not following the rules and cleaning up after himself, the amounted of hatred I felt towards me that day is over whelming and I have not heard much off him since. Of course I have tried to get through to him but all I get back is “I’m fine and I’m done” he has chosen to tell other I have kicked him out because of not doing the chores, is now on benefits, has no intention of getting the career he wanted, only just passed college choosing instead to be others who have no actual ambition. Drinking and smoking and going against everything he ever stood for. I have been told that this is normal for his age .. The whole “the world owes me everything and yet I do not have to work for it” even though he knows how hard you have to work for anything in life. Perhaps that is it, perhaps we have struggled to get by for all his life he is fed up of fighting and has just given into the negative sides this town offers its younger people.
He no longer wants anything to do with us and has instead chose to go off and do his own thing with no thought for the effects and consequences in life, he is of course living the dream, money without earning it, no responsibilities and if he reads this post he is bound to chose to take it as me having a go at him and slagging him off because that is how is chooses to see things. I am sure he sees the situation in a different way. He has a group of friends who believe every word he says even though it is a lie, or more to the fact twisted. The rules are … if you want to live at home respect those you live with, do your chores, pay your way or at least contribute. … He didn’t want to do this so moved out.
The truth is I think I am closer to knowing what it feels like to lose a child, something I would never wish on anyone and where as I know he is still alive I am in fact mourning him. I go through spates of anger but most of the time I just sit here and cry, he is my first baby, my boy, my best friend, my strength, my everything. As a mum you give everything to your kid’s right from the word go and I thought our bond would never be breakable. I appear to be wrong. I feel as though everything we have gone through and worked for means nothing, any sacrifices we have made pointless but the thing that hurts more is the hatred he has shown towards me. His mum.
There is nothing more I can do but be here for him when he is ready and just hope this is his rebellious phase and one day I will get the relationship back with him. That these are the lessons we both have to learn from, mine being watching him learn from his choices.
For now I wear a black band around my arm.