You can tell we are in December, as far as I am concerned its the worst month in the calendar year.
December in this house is a very dark time, now that it’s almost midwinter my arthritis is in full voice reminding me of my limitations physically, there is no more ignoring it, getting on with things regardless and my SAD reminding me of my mental state which I also have no control over. All the bills come in off companies not caring or believing that I am on a low income and needless to say in this month I never have enough in the bank to cover DD meaning I’m facing charges and possible account closure. Also this year I also have to provide all my incomings and out goings for the tax man and housing/council tax benefit people., as they rent and tax ones are on hold until I do and working tax will be if I don’t. It’s not hard to axtually do but seeing just how little you have right there in front of you starts to then make you think how the hell are you going to pay for things we need, let alone get at Least one gift for my children.
Every December I am reminded of the past years struggles mainly that I am still no better financially than this time last year … Or if I am honest the past 19 years. This year seems worse because I lost all work or work opportunities over the summer, all market trading opportunities only available if I have money to pay for a stall up front, can find someone to look after small boy, can find transport not to mention needing to be able to put up with the elements. This year has pretty much been a no go with markets, in fact I have done two, one in a nice warm day while the other was inside. Of course I would of loved to of been part of our towns craft markets that have started but I can’t be which has left all of the business going to my direct competition, which has been taken to a new level with the fact I now not only have to compete with low prices but also low prices of the same style we do, in a small town like this competition is a killer, especially when it’s in the exact same shop. Before anyone makes any comments in business and competition I shall say this
“My ethical stance may be seen to some as “not in line with current business practices” this is because I am a strong believer in working as a team, not treading on people toes, giving everyone their own creative style, working as a collective to eventually improve the local economy and own finances, I refuse to go against everything I believe in, the way I live my life just to earn a quick pound while having no thought for other people, yes people take advantage of this fact, but that is their choice, if they wish to slag me off, use my ideas etc etc then that is their choice, nothing I can do about it but stick to my guns”
No profits will be made this year, I’ve not even earned a wage and my only source of selling in a shop may soon be over, it has until the end of month to pick up because if it doesn’t then I’m going to have to pull out. I don’t want to, I really don’t but if I’m not making money I can’t pay the rent as I’ve spent all year taking it out of my very limited weekly home budget. This in itself has been stretched to the point of where it is now broke. All savings gone, either spent on bills and trying to reduce my debts or on the business. So here I am on £60 per week for me and small boy. This is a rather depressing figure as that is for all food, bills, other expenses such as clothes and shoes. I am back to eating very little which I am good at doing, but what I do eat is healthy so it could be worse. Besides the more weight I lose the more layers I can put on as I can not afford to have the heating on more than two hours a day, so it goes on for bed time and getting up time just to take the nip out of the air.
Not having money sucks and if anyone reading this is thinking “go get a proper job” the answer is quite simple, “I can not” no this isn’t some crappy excuse where I fall into the trap of so many by saying “my back hurts” “I have mental illness” yada yada yada. You see I do not let any of these things stop me, I wish I had a regular wage but the chances of someone employing me is very very low. All they will read is “no qualifications, personality disorder, depression and eosteroarthritis oh and not forgetting a single mum” yes I know I am with a lovely man but things are not exactly easy or normal on that front either, so i do class myself as a single mum.
You see as much as I love my other half he can not handle being with someone with so many issues so even after seven years of being together we are not what you would actually call “a proper couple” hell my eldest is in more of a relationship than i am. I get stressed … It’s has been a very horrible stressful year, I cope as well as I can but hello *waves hands* “mental illness not a choice” I’m not choosing to be like this or for life to keep throwing crap at me, in fact I cope on my own all the time and most of that time I do it well. Not so much in the winter but again that is because I also have SAD. I am not sure my other half gets it, so to speak. A hug can speak a thousand words, give you the strength to keep on fighting, make things feel as though they are going to get better even if they never do, they show union, love and togetherness. Those who know me also know how I value the simple action of a hug. My other half doesn’t feel the same, I am not slagging him off or putting him down. He doesn’t choose not being able to handle being around me on my down days, and copes in the only way he knows how. He goes home. When I say home I mean his not mine. You see even after seven years that’s how things are, mine and his. Still. Yes it does drive me nuts but I accept him for who he is and love him more than I thought would be possible and it’s that love keeping us together. This weekend I have him the choice, I’ve said I’m stressed and really down and not able to cope right now and maybe he should go back to his until I am on top of things again until he returns. Of course there was part of me hoping he would come back but he didn’t. How long can love keep you together? There is support I need but never get, never have done so I find the inner strength eventually and carry on. It is all you can do. I can’t change him so accept that I’m not going to have the relationship I want, never going to get hand fasted no matter how many times its supposed to of happened. I can not be the person he wants me to be no healthy sex life,( which I miss just as much) I have physical and mental illnesses so I am not exaggerating when I say that I will be in shock if we are still together in a years time. I never plan on giving up,I believe in trying to fix things rather than throwing them away. But unless he suddenly decides he wants things to be different then it’s not going to happen because it doesn’t matter what I do or say the choice has to be his. I can’t help but want that “real couple” thing though. You know where you live together, things become ours instead of mine and yours, where the couple works as a team all the time with both taking the initiative with things rather than waiting for the other one to point things out. Perhaps it is my fault. After all I see the world in a different way, i sometimes am not the eaiset person to live with because of who I am I tend to go “aghhhhhhh end of the world….” Stress, cry, go in a big depressive slump until I pick myself up again. But we still have good times and these are what keeps me going. right now im struggling, the hardest thing is trying to deal with all of my head crap while still trying to keep things together and do what needs to be done,especially as I have small boy to look after. unfortunately both my boys have seen me have a break down a couple of times a year, small boy now being the only one at home now has to deal with that on his own. I do my best to save the break downs until he is at school but he’s not stupid and knows when mum is more than sad. Right now I can feel that I’m heading for a break and it’s not a good feeling.
As far as how this week is going to go, no idea. I am going to make myself create things later, but that’s then and right now I need to try and relax. I’ve done a lot of crying over the past two days, my best friend has been round for hugs which helped but what would be nice too is if things started to turn around for the better. As with all this we still have to sort out the on going issues with the school.