So things never seem to run smooth in my life ironically enough it’s about the only consistent I have.
Well things are not getting any easier, business wise I have to rethink the year again as for one reason or another I won’t be doing any of the festivals I was planning on doing and relying on for an income, I’m having to pull out of the shop I’ve been renting space in for the past year and to be honest I’m angry and tearful about it all. I have realised I can only rely on myself from now on and Im working on accept it without blame or judgment
The same goes for my relationship. I do not often write about my other half and I, mainly because it changes that often back and forth from working to not working and back again. I felt if I wrote it all down I would sound like a drama queen as well as the fact that I didn’t know how to write it, how others would feel about me writing it especially my other half.
I use this term loosely as I’m not quite sure if he is my other half anymore. Things have not been right for years, longer than they have been right for and another 7 year cycle that has shown up. It isn’t the 7 year itch as we’ve been itchy along the way.
We’ve been together (presuming we are still together) for 8 years this year the only thing he has at mine is a toothbrush and hair styling gel. We all have issues and his is commitment, I was hoping by showing him that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life this would get better but it never has done and I think we may actually of been stuck in a rut for that long there is no way out. He has his life and I have mine. We have the love of photography in common and our sense of humour but it isn’t enough anymore. I need commitment, to be able to trust him ( he lost that through his own actions a couple of years ago) and I need stability. If I am perfectly honest I have done nothing but work on myself and my issues so I can be the best person I can as I was very unstable at the start of our relationship, but this is why I came to fall so much in love with him. He took me for who I was or I thought he did turns out I can never be the type of girl friend he wants, not only because of my illnesses but because I’m not sure he even knows what he wants.
Yes I have tried to talk it through, with everything and about everything I do a lot of taking and I’m very good at putting myself forward in a clear way… Thank you DBT
I’m so in love with this guy I can not even begin to tell you but it got to the point where I was in charge of everything and wasn’t getting the support I needed … Note this is different to the type of “throw money at it or fix it” support I get or he tries to give thinking its the right thing to do. Which I am very grateful for non the less even when it gets thrown back at me but it’s still not what I need. The double standards were driving me nuts and its got to the point where I was fed up of being on my own with everything. I would rather be on my own and have to do everything myself and only be able to rely on myself then I would rather be on my own. Even though I believe with all my heart he is the one for me.
Relationships need work I know this but I’m not going to be the only one fighting for it anymore
I have to focus on the other things that are going on or I am going to lose my home, end up on job seekers and lose any hope of getting the life I want.
People wonder why I have issues relying on people … That would be my history of being let down all the time, false promises of “this year will be different” ” I love you and will fight for you” right down to “will you marry me”
Well these have just become words from those I thought were different, they hold no strength and have meant I am now becoming even more reluctant to take people’s word on things.
I was going to write more but to be honest its actually upset me more than i thought it would plus small boy is awake and I don’t want him seeing me upset again.