I have come to a very sad realisation, I think my relationship was worse than I thought it was at the time. He was never nasty or mean to me he just wasn’t able to give me the emotional support I need. The sad realisation come from the fact I should be missing him, I should be missing the hugs, snuggling up to someone before bed, conversations etc. but I’ve realised I don’t miss these things because I wasn’t getting them in the first place to miss them now he’s not here. It’s been almost two months and things have not really changed with things at home. It’s actually easier getting in with things because I now don’t have the horrible feelings of sadness and frustration caused by being with someone who isn’t able to support you or commit. Its now ok to feel incredibly lonely because I am on my own, I’m no longer angry at having to do everything by myself because I have no one else to do things for me. The truth of it is our relationship didn’t grow, but I did.
I don’t know and have never really known where I stand with him, I guess two months ago I was hoping he would fight for us to work … But he hasn’t, he’s chose to stay away and only messaged me when he wasn’t happy with something I’ve written or shared online. I’ve always wanted him to show me off instead of making me feel as though his embarrassed of me. Perhaps going out with a mentally ill hippie wasn’t exactly what he had planned for.
I’m not blaming him or being mean, I fully understand that he doesn’t make a choice to be like this, I’d never tried to force change on him because I’m not that type of person, I pointed out what I needed from him and did get it on occasion, which was lovely and gave me hope. But that didn’t seem to last and I’d be back in an emotional mess because I longed for a stable relationship, to be part of a family, a team.
I can safely say I’m heart broken, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been heart broken for years and that was what was causing me so much pain.
Now that I have been reflecting on things it’s dawned on me that things had been horribly wrong for years and that hope was the only thing keeping us together. Once my hope had gone and once I had stop fighting and changing things about me to be a better person that’s when it ended.
The most heart breaking thing is though that he says he’s fighting for me but actually isn’t. It’s not my fault if he doesn’t think I’m worth fighting for and if he says different it won’t mean a thing because its just words, the past has shown me words mean fuck all but action or should i sat lack of action speaks so loud you can’t hear anything else.
So now I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. Am I in love or am I in the love with the idea of being in love with him
I’m so confused and can’t talk it over with him because he doesn’t talk face to face, and in the past when we have tried he can’t take any responsibility for his part in it, it always gets turned around to me and he points out that he financially supported me when he could and that’s all the support he can give me
But now I’ve had time to think I realise how many times I needed the support and didn’t get it, not financially as I don’t care about money all that much. It’s also frustrating because at the start of our relationship he was there for me a lot, but never fully emotionally
I guess he’s got a lot of issues that he’s not aware of, perhaps it’s easier for him to ignore them rather than change. What ever the reasons he has it doesn’t change things, there are only so many years you can spend telling someone the type of support you need and never get it longer than a few months.