The creative challenge today has been very challenging as I’m creating a website, as its not finished yet I can’t post a photo just yet however I am not enjoying it, I’m not hating it as much as I was yesterday so at least that is a good thing
Small boy has gone to his dads for a week and this has lead to a lot of thinking all starting off with WTF do I do in this time?
Several things have been suggested which I’m very grateful for but I’m finding it hard.
Go and see friends: I do plan on doing this one, I am meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow and finding out when my best friend isn’t working so I can go and see her too. I do have an issue that I don’t have much in common with and find that I sit there feeling awkward and not having much to bring to a conversation makes it worse
Crochet and make things: I do enjoy doing these but the thought of spending days doing them isn’t something I’m actually looking forward to. I think it’s because i already do these things on a daily basis anyway, and it’s usually for work or something to pass away the rest of the day until bedtime.
I’m finding my brain just goes arghhhh and I know why. My whole life revolves around small boy and work. I wanted this week to hold something different. People have also suggested doing what I enjoyed doing before kids … Problem being I’ve always had kids and before I had my first I was fresh out of an abusive home and in college.
I could clean the house from too to bottom. This will take a day, if that.
I could go out and take photos but yet again my inner voice says “you do that anyway think of something new, something that you can’t do when you have small boy” the same thought keeps popping into my head every time someone suggests something. I want to find something fun todo that will enrich my life that makes you feel like you’re enjoying life rather than things just to pass the time until you’re ready for bed. I just do not know what that could possibly be.
If the weather was nice I could go outside more, I could hoop, poi, take long walks taking photos without having to worry if small boy is going to get bored, need attention etc the wether though is very very cold and being out for long physically hurts.
I do not want to end up spending the whole week crying over the fact I’m still doing what I would of done if small boy was here. I fit a lot into every day anyway and keep on top housework and jobs around the house. The fact he’s gone for a whole week rather than a couple of days makes it harder because I do feel as though there should be more to life than the usual grind of every day. I yearn for it in fact. I think we all do.
Having no money or transport sucks and stops me from doing the things I want to do that I can’t do when small boy is around like travel to see friends that have moved away or that I haven’t seen in ages and miss because other than my online friends I don’t actually have many so having a girly night in drinking wine etc isn’t an option either.
Going out window shopping for me is depressing and something I don’t understand the pleasure in, for me Its just look at pretty things I can’t afford.
Because small boy hasn’t been here for most of the day even now I’m wide awake not feeling the tiredness I usually do by now either … So if I went to bed if be laying there wide awake thinking
I’m sure I’m not the only one who goes through this, I feel as though I’m bitching when I am blessed that I still do a varied amount of things every day and have a lifestyle that lets me do this. Perhaps if I didn’t then finding ways to pass the day would be more exciting.
I need to find a way of enjoying the time without children being around me. A week that’s just for me. Not for work, planning home ed, keeping small boy occupied etc have I found the only down side of having children at an early age? What the hell am I going to do when he moves out of home? I already feel lost after my eldest moved out last year and have put so much energy into small boy that now he isn’t here I feel even more lost.
I need to find myself, as a person, as a me, rather than the many roles I have in a ‘normal’ day.