After many months of being badgered by people to try and get some form of financial assistance for small boy it was with reluctance that I have just spent the past three hours filling out the form online. I do not like asking for help of any kind as you could say I am someone independent. Now I am fully aware that not asking for help isn’t really all that healthy but for me I would much rather rely on myself than be let down by someone. Yes I have picked up this ‘bad habit’ over the years and in my defence is usually what happens to most people when they are constantly let down or proved that no matter what people say, no matter how good their intentions are just because they say they will do something it is not likely to happen.
Back to this form filling…. which I am glad you can now do online. I didn’t expect to be emotionally exhausted after answering the detailed questions. It is small boy, he is fine just the way he is, I love him for who he is yet filling out this form left me feeling as though I was being a bad parent complaining about how much hard work my son is, especially as I don’t see him as hard work, or challenging. I see him as an awesome young man, full of imagination, very funny, full of excitement and enough energy to keep a small power station going. Filling this out literally made me cry but not as much if I had not had the foresight to write the answers to the questions into a word document as the sight kept on crashing meaning I had to re log in and re add lots of the answers, all in all it is 3 hours of today I will not get back … pretty much like the feeling in my bottom … Note to self make a new cushion for computer chair.
I guess the reason why I am feeling this way is because the questions made me look in detail at how small boys life is, more so how he is directly affected. If I am honest I also think the fact I had to compare him to other children didn’t sit well with me, especially as I compared him to how his older brother was at this age, what he got up to, how he handled things and how he socialised. Then I started questioning myself … again!!! Has there been something I did to make him like this? Am I stopping him from getting better? All of which I know the answer to but never the less the thoughts kept going around in my head. I thought I would share with you the answers to the questions, some bits are repeated and I have not included the questions but I am sure you get the general idea.
As he can’t follow or understand conventional social rules he can often be taken advantage of by others, is very impulsive and tends not to see or understand certain dangers.
As he can’t follow or understand conventional social rules he can often be taken advantage of by others, is very impulsive and tends not to see or understand certain dangers. He needs a level of one to one in order to concentrate and keep on task
Constant one to one in order to give prompts and support in learning how to act and behave in certain situations
Constant one to one in order to give prompts and support in learning how to act and behave in certain situations, because of this is he no longer in school and is being home educated. As he can’t follow or understand conventional social rules he can often be taken advantage of by others, is very impulsive and tends not to see or understand certain dangers.
Constant one to one as he is very impulsive and tends not to see or understand certain dangers.
Requires prompts or/and one to one to make sure he remembers to wash & brush his teeth, wash hair, bath properly and when to get out of the bath
Doesn’t understand when clothes are dirty and need changing without prompts
He is a very literal thinker and has to have social norms and rules explained to him including mannerisms. Can get distracted, frustrated and over whelmed in situations requiring physical restraint or comfort
As he has no physical signs that he struggles with social situations others see him as a ‘normal child’ his behaviour is often mistaken for being naughty, disrespectful and a choice that he makes. Another reason why he has been removed from mainstream school so needs someone to explain to others about the support he needs and how he sees the world
He can shut down verbal communication which can sometimes lead to verbal and physical aggression requiring physical restraint, distraction or comfort.
Without prompts and reminders he forgets to eat or drink not realising when he is hungry or thirsty once eating can still get distracted so needs prompts and reminders to continue to eat
Needs one to one support and is being taught dialectical behaviour therapy skills
Has a strong sense of being a failure, different and gets frustrated very easily which can result in self harming and aggressive behaviour
As mainstream school isn’t currently an option he needs help at home with his education with a constant level of one to one support
A continual struggle within the ability to function within mainstream school combined with lack of support from has meant that he has now been withdrawn and is being home educated. His high levels of social anxiety and lack of capacity to follow conventional ‘rules’ (often implied not explicit) incapacity reinforces his social anxiety and increases stress levels and self harming behaviour. As this has been going on for around 7 years it has meant he has an emotional and social development delay and needs time and support to develop in his own time rather than at the speed expected by many of the normal social situations a child of his age would be expected to be able to cope in, especially educationally
His reactions and impulsiveness can lead to endangering behaviour and frustration usually expressed in an aggressive way which isn’t understood by others. Because of this he is then judged as being a naughty child which impacts on his mental health leading to more frustration and self injuring behaviour patterns.
Because of this he is unable to attend school, socialise with peers, unable to make correct decisions and follow rules. His social life and ability to join groups to help him gain the skills needed to cope with social situations is also affected because of his need for constant one to one
Now reading back on all of this I can see why I am so tired all of the time !! when things are part of your life and you accept them sometimes you cannot fully see the impact it has on you physically or emotionally so it has taught me a valuable lesson so that next time I am down on myself for feeling as though I am not able to cope I can be more gentle on myself and be ok with needing time off from other stresses such as work. Looks like I am going to be re going over our routine too and hopefully once I have done these business plans can get a nice steady flow back. But most of all I think I need to be a little less hard on myself … yes I say think because this is a behaviour pattern that is going to need work, as for trusting others to be there when I need help and support ….. I am hoping this will come with time as it still feels as though I am moaning or complaining about my situation or even worse showing weakness, if you show weakness then others can hurt you and I have had enough hurt to last me a few lifetimes. Pride has a lot to do with it too but I am blaming my grandparents for that trait 100%
The question I still want to know though is “why am I still second guessing my parenting skills and ability to be a good parent?” and “am I sure I have not done anything wrong to make my children this way?”