Yes this is what I have been doing all week and the reason is that I’m stepping completely out of my comfort zone today
my friend and i are going to glastonbury to see Ange Hardy (she is an awesome folk singer and after finding out her life story has become such an inspiration to me) So you may be thinking “so whats the issue with that? or things a long those lines. Not only am i going to see her sing but i am also stopping over. out of my house. ‘i don’t do’ going out. or i didn’t.
all week y brain has been really giving me hell because of it and is one of the very rare times i hate my mental state, i do not often i hate things and i guess i do not hate my mental state just more of how it makes me feel. several voices in my head telling me of all the bad things that will happen, telling me that i am going to die in a car crash and never see my kids again, meaning it will be safer to stay at home. then we have another little ‘helper’ reminding me it isn’t y place to go out and enjoy myself. my place is in the home, with small boy giving him my 100% attention and spending the money on him and him alone as he will of course starve because i am spending money on myself for something i do not need. Then we have the social commenter telling me that they do not know who i think i am to think i am able to be the type of person who can do things for herself, that can start living her life as i am certainly not part of the yummy mummy crown, i am a council kid, completely different class to those mums who go on dinner dates, out with friends, go for lunch, stop over in different towns, takes their children to art galleries etc. we are meant to stay in our social class restraints that have been instilled into us from day 1. i am only meant to be a mother, nothing else, i am not good enough to do anything else, not having a ‘real career’ will never live up to the dreams i have always had…. yes all that is in my head, has been all week and has progressively got louder and louder as the week go on meaning the ‘me’ part of my head who wants to live her dream, get a retreat, move, get a better life and actually start living, has been beaten into a scared confused mess,rocking and crying in a dark corner with no idea of how she is going to stand up to the rest of her brain for fear of them.
these issues i have been working on, 9 years ago i couldnt step out of my house, hid away from the world and now i am going to a different town with a friend. I have over the years done a few things out of my comfort zone slowly building myself up… although it doesn’t feel it, i still know it has. This year i have felt the pull to be the me i want to be even more and have done quite a few things to help but each time i still have those parts of me that try and drag me down to ‘my place’ and i have quite often found myself getting back into my comfort zone and becoming complacent.
As you may of read in my past posts i have been reassessing things again and have accepted that i will always be reviewing things as it is needed to keep myself on track to where i want to be in the future, then while doing a post for another blog yesterday i had a
aghhhh moment . It was one of those moments where every thing clicks into place and i am even more determined now to combat my brain and win. ok i will never fix my brain, it benefits me more than hinders me and in the past 7 years i have gone from self harming several times a day and not being able to function to be in the position i am now. for years i have hid behind my social media self and now it is time to let that part of me free …… talk about bloody scary but i honestly believe that this is the right time for me to do it. I have the right support network around me too which is something i have never felt i have had in the past.y