Mortality, its an odd thing isn’t it? i have never really given it much thought until recently and not by choice may i add.Life has been some what all over the place this year tearing me from one direction to another, questioning every thing then questioning the questioning and answers, if any from the many questions. Yes, yes i am fully away that i ‘think too much’ and as you may be aware by now i don’t actually give a crap as i am more than happy with my process, besides i have a lot to think about as every decision i make impacts on the lives of others.
I have been having wave of impending mortality, over whelming waves that knock me around much more than the storm we are expecting will (had to mention the Storm really as every one else is talking about it and i didn’t want to be left out) Friday night saw be being woken at about 2:30 am by such feelings, followed by a couple of rather horrid dreams revolving around me being on my death bed not wanting to say goodbye to my loved ones, holding onto my children crying saying i am not ready to go yet, that i have much more to do with my life, that its just not time, that it cant be time yet….. i would go on but you get the idea? so for the past two days i have had these images and feelings constantly playing over and over and over again rendering me wanting to really kick start things in the right direction but with every day life getting in the way.
i have a plan though (of course i have a plan, 99.9% of the time i have a plan) Next week is Samhain some argue it isn’t the new celtic new year some argue it is …. the joys of being Pagan is sometimes we have no actual evidence of when things were done, just theories as our ancestors were illiterate and as a country have kind of been invaded by different cultures and the religious beliefs that come hand in hand with them. This is not a post about which train of thought is ‘right’ For me Samhain is about death and the start of the resting period before new life starts. this is what i fully intend to do. 2013 has seen the end of many 7 year cycles, i feel it has all happened beyond my control and although small steps have been taken for me to have the life i have always dreamed of there always seems to be little things that get in the way, make plans change direction without any warning and when i think about it i have been feeling this way for 20 years. life just happened then and i went with the flow, did my duties depending on what role i was in at the time, but deep inside i have always felt like this, felt as though somethings are missing so i need to sort it out now.