todays mantra is accompanied by a gentle rocking back and forth ‘have to keep fighting and moving forwards” i am not having a good day. emotions are running high and what was due to be a nice chilled out day making the most of my other half’s day off has turned into a day filled with stress and sitting in different rooms. YEAY!! i have had such a tough week, small boy has been challenging which i am putting down to hormones as possession is a bit old fashioned, he’s developed a Brummy accent and i appear to be developing a nervous twitch. I am trying to get him back into the routine he is use to and flourishes in, but when we are getting on average 10 full meltdowns a day the recovery takes time and so all of my day is even more concentrated on him right now. The teenage years don’t just suck for us parents but for our kids suffer more and from what i have been reading is even more tough for people like small boy.
My hormones are not helping as moon cup time is approaching with the full moon (which makes me very emotional and angry anyway) I even had a look at getting supplements that are believed to help but they are way beyond my budget and the only advice i get off the Dr is to go back onto contraception. Not very helpful at all, but then again i have never really known him to be very helpful and each visit he puts me off ever going back in again. Today i am crying and breaking down roughly every half an hour and i am now ready for bed….this is not helpful as i have stuff that has to get done today.
the joint business with my friend looks as though it is never going to happen for reasons that make me very angry (not with her i will add) if there is one thing i can not stand and that is to have to sit back while someones spirit is broken to a point where they have no life behind their eyes when once they sparkled like the night sky, buzzing with idea and a lust for life. I will never give up on our friendship but I do not think it will be ‘allowed’ to get back to how it was and i know writing this will more than likely cause more strain on what little we have left. To see someone go from having their own dreams and aspirations knocked down to the point where they have accepted that non of these dreams will happen until the next life is heart breaking. All i can do is sit back, watch and be there for her if and when i can. who knows perhaps my judgment of the situation is that of an idealist, someone who believes strongly that you have every right to pursue your dreams and that should be supported by your family and loved ones rather than judged and knocked back into line to fit in with the ‘norm’ and what society expects from you.
That leaves me with an option to carry it on, doing everything to try and keep it a float, holding out hope that she will gain the strength to come back fighting or to forget about our dream and carry on with my own thing. It is a decision i didn’t want to have to make and find it hard to discuss because of how much the situation angers me. I have a handful of the things she’s made which i am going to try and sell for her, maybe i will just put them up for sale and hope for the best.
My new project has been started and is currently running a few days behind, not bad seems as though yesterday i was about a week behind. I am having help with it for now but as the help is from my other half i am not enjoying the stress it is causing between us. I am very focused on what i want, how i want it and how i am going to achieve it, my dreams are going to happen and I have to make them work, I was hoping this time round of excepting help would be different but it isn’t and I can not cope with more frustration and stress, especially as we are still trying to build on our relationship. I am by no means blaming him, just our differences in the way we think and do things and i still have issues surrounding getting help off people. I spend a lot of time thinking everything through before deciding on something, think of all the possibilities then i build up a time frame. this time frame has to fit around everything else that i have to get done and most importantly the deadlines are there so i do not fall behind and then end up playing catch up like i have been doing the past two days. What isn’t helped is that me new projects website can not be edited and sorted on my iPad or phone … the reason why i got the iPad was for the fact my laptop is old and slower than a slug in a bucket of salt, if i want to add anything to the site i have to use my laptop until the host (not sure if that is what they are called) has developed a way of making it work on tablets and other mobile devices.
I was hoping to now go and take some photos but the beautiful afternoon winters sun has buggered off and the weather says that the next sunny day will be monday so it looks as though i shall have to make do with the lights in the kitchen….. and possibly a small drink of mead?