Just before Samhain I wrote about my sudden sense of mortality and what i was going to do about it. Well it has got worse. I have of course been thinking about it a lot. I blame being around my grandma a lot. Since her stroke almost two years ago she has been bed ridden with no tv or radio and in the same room,meaning all she has to do is think. We are very close and she tells me stories, secrets and just recently regrets. These are the harder ones to deal with as i can not help her do those things she wanted to do. She has so man and seeing that regret fill her eyes with sadness is by far one of the hardest things about seeing her there. It is where she is going to be until she dies which as she knows is all she is waiting for. She use to be so independent before my grandad got ill and died. For as long as I can remember she went on trips with friends either for the day or for weeks going to all the places she wanted to visit. I had planned on getting these going again but with me tagging along, I thought we had time but she only had a year between his death and her stroke after spending years dedicating her life to looking after him and for what?!! It makes me very angry as I do not like feeling helpless.
Just after her stroke several poems were found that she had written showing she had not been happy for a while. I appear to be the only one in the family that ‘gets’ her and where she is coming from without judgment.
I have the threat of eviction hanging over my head again and every thing in life seems to be pushing me to move on (something I am not doing while my grandma is still alive at least, I have trouble getting to see her as often as I would like anyway without being in a different county/country) I am getting more and more feelings of ergancy though, I am heading closer to 40 meaning I only have around 40 years left … this isn’t long, especially if the past 37.5 years have anything to go by.
I really do not know what to do, there are only so many plans I can come up with, but my feet are itchy and I need adventure, to start making the most of my life rather than getting by from day to day (do not get me wrong I do love my life and feel very blessed) I guess all I can do is sit down and brain storm things down. I do know I can not do anything until my finances are sorted out more and I have got rid of more stuff that I do not need. Ohhhh and work out how It is all going to work with me also being a mum
my brain hurts …. LOTS