we are into March already and I am now 3 months behind on every thing. It really does seem as though every time I try and improve things, get organised and into a lovely swing, life decides other wise and decides that that is enough of an easy way of life it is time to start fighting again.
Last week was horrible, not only have i been Ill AGAIN!! but my boys are not getting along, no one ever seems to have the patience with small boy as I do or even makes an effort to accept that his brain is wired differently, it isn’t an excuse for ‘poor’ behaviour it is fact and that all the hard work I put in trying to teach him not to be judgmental, to breathe when feeling angry, not to be verbally aggressive or call people names has all been taken back to what it was before I started. I do not understand the ‘banter’ that young people seem to do, why take the piss out of someone as a way of getting along? it makes no sense, and it isn’t helpful when you have a son like my youngest who doesn’t understand social rules anyway. How the heck am I to prepare him for the world when all the work I am doing is undone within half an hour?
This week I am going to have to very hard on my eldest too, I am going to have to do the constant ‘nagging’ thing … which isn’t what I was hoping for. But if left to his own devices would wait until the DR knocked on the door I think, I could be wrong but if the past week is anything to go by the ‘bitch mother’ will have to rear its ugly head again! I had to cancel spending some time with my other half because I can not trust my boys together in the house in their own, this then pissed off my other half who doesn’t understand that a parents job is to look out for the wellbeing of their children and putting their needs first. So not only am I playing ref between my kids but I am now back to how things were 2/3 years ago!! To say i am not happy about this in the slightest would be a massive understatement.
So much for things getting better and working towards moving and getting the life I want, so much for support, so much for things changing. If i sound bitter and pissed off that is because right now I am, there is a slight bit of hope that I am over reacting, or that it is just a glitch but going back to how i felt this time last year I miss that sense of control over my life and I can not help but start to doubt things will ever be any different for me, so many promises made and broken/forgotten about. One thing I can not seem to get use to is just how judgmental other people are, I am once again the outcast it would appear but I honestly do not see the point in getting angry at someone else for having a difference of opinion.
I have tried to work on my website, but that is requiring more concentration than I have right now ( I knew I should of done it myself from the start because then I would not be feeling as disspointed as I do right now) My website will now be made official in a months time I just hope I can get it sorted by them with stock made for it. It also doesn’t help that my laptop is a bit slow and WIX currently doesn’t support editing websites on tablet or mobile devices. Talking of work, I am not sure how long i am going to be able to be a member of Art Alert as they are putting their prices up for membership, as decided by people who obviously have money, I wouldn’t mind so much if it was only 100% as the amount is currently £5 but the thought of a 600% rise is a tad OTT I do not have that kind of spare money. Not only that but I was hoping not so small boy would join up once his confidence was higher which wont happen if I do not have the money. Have to love elitism in the art world!! As always you must have money to make money. There was even one member offering pottery opportunities in workshop style, I thought this would be awesome for us both to do but at £50 each for the package of 5 workshops that is also out of my budget. Where do people get the money to do these types of things from for fun?!! I think the venture with my best friend (or at least I hope she is) is well and truly over.
Ok so money is always an issue with me, I am making myself ill with worry over it too which goes against how i would love to be. I have friends who just up and leave to explore the world, to live the life they want so I often read their updates through teary eyes. I am more than happy for them, I really am and I know that feeling sorry for myself isn’t helpful either. Rent is going up which I have to find from somewhere but we are all facing rises in the cost of living (which is wrongly labeled and should be called the cost of just about keeping yourself and your family alive) Goodness I feel bad for ranting when there are so many others who are much worse off than us. We still have a roof over our heads and the means to keep warm and eat (for now)
On the plus side I have 3 stone to lose so the lack of food may do me some good. No I do no feel fat or ugly I just feel very uncomfortable in my own skin and I do not like, It has all been put on since coming off contraception the only things that have changed are 1- normal for me hormones 2- it not being nice outside to do things 3- getting back together with my other half. So I need to figure this losing weight the healthy way out, usually I would just not eat for a while but I have learnt that this is bad and makes me ill. I can’t make myself any more ill than I am already so have to find options that can be done in the home on horrid days, that isn’t high impact on my knees, back and hip oh and that doesn’t cost anything. Where I will get the motivation from is yet to be discovered. Even the things on the xbone are not free …. also not quite sure how I would handle being told what to do by someone on a dvd etc ……. blaghhhhhhhh would of possible been a better and quicker thing to put on my blog today.