That is exactly what this post is, I have the urge just to write everything as it comes into my head but then we have the worry that not only would I go on most of the evening but also not make too much sense.
I have been doing a lot of trying to procrastinate today, I have no idea why I am having trouble to get things into gear but needless to say my head is going in different directions and not making much sense.
The past two months have not been the best, I am very aware of how fast time is slipping from me and what i need to be doing yet the enthusiasm I once had is now being slowly replaced by “whats the fucking point?” and “stop kidding yourself” something I know I can fight but the urges to just give in and settle for ‘what I’ve been dealt in life’ is rather loud in my head. I do not want to and yet the “but….” makes some very good points.
I want to move that is for sure, It isn’t that i do not like this town, It is getting harder to live here, you would of thought being my home town would mean people are use to me, but they are not and the narrow mindedness appears to be getting worse. Part of me wants to stay but to be able to own my own property and not have any neighbours so their lives no longer have a huge impact on mine. I have so many loved ones in this area I also feel guilty for wanting to leave them but I am nearly 40 and think I deserve to start having the actual life I have always wanted to? maybe? is that bad?
My life has been pretty much been lived for others. No I am not bitching about being a mother but since finding out I was pregnant at 16 this is all I have lived for … being a mum. I have done the ‘for money’ jobs and never thought about careers as it has always been apparent that someone like me doesn’t get that option and always will live hand to mouth just as my family has always done. I also realise that I have said this before and have fought against it, but the truth is i have never once got out of the situation, something always keeps me here. Some of that is me, I do get that but the energy needed to solve all this seems out of my reach.
What is stopping me? It is a question asked often. The answer always being me. Then I cry and go back to living the usual every day life. Is it really possible for me to get out? Can I get everything done that I need to do day to day and work out how someone with no assets, no qualifications, and consequently no job opportunities can get themselves out of a rut? No qualifications really goes against me in everything I try and do. I understand these are put there to regulate the jobs sector and to protect people but for someone like me it sucks balls. No college isn’t an option or the OU because that takes time and money, I have neither. People including myself say “make time” but I am not sure how that can be done. All my time and energy goes into not so small time and trying to make an existence from my art. I have plenty of ideas of how I could like developing the emotional wellbeing to bring it into communities, but can not seem to find enough time in the day or energy to work out how it is going to work. Especially when I do not have actual qualifications in it all. Experience alone doesn’t seem good enough and if you mention that you have developed it yourself after 20+ years of research and surviving a challenging life you pretty much get laughed at. Or at least this has been my experience, that adding to how I look generally ends in me being dismissed as some loopy hippie trying to save the world.
It has been proven that I can not rely on others to sort it out or help with it, besides why should they? I am of course in charge of my future and life, it may of taken me 30 years to realise that you do not have to live by what others have and always have done but at least i have realised what others never do. I am constantly looking for answers to my question of “How” but being constantly told that to be able to do …… I need to have done ……… and that ………. isn’t an option is killing me, The place I live is slowly killing me, the situation I am in is doing the same and I do not know how I am going to make sense of everything that is going on in my head.