You may of already guessed by the lack of posts that life has once again got to he point where all online activity has been minimal. I am not doing too well, better at the moment than I have been but I don’t know if it will last or how long for.
Everything has to be completely rethought out and I have realised I am doing it all on my own. I have given up completely on receiving help from anyone because I simply cannot keep on being let down by those who are supposed to care for me and support me in my life. If they are all off doing their thing and concentrating on their interests and future then so will I.
I was under the impression that things would be different, indeed they started to be so much better and easier, this has now passed and I am back to where I was a couple of years ago. I can not put any more energy into trying to change this fact, It hurts, I mean really really hurts to the point where there is no air left in my lungs when I cry about it all. I feel so let down, loney and abandonded all of my energy has been put into just getting through the day and getting the bare basics done. Today I am saying good bye to Our Magpie’s nest and to any hope that dream will ever pan out. I can not control certain situtions and to be the only one fighting against all of the challenges is something that can not be done anymore. I do miss my best friend but again I can not control that situation either, heck it isn’t my situation to control and that is shown by the fact that not even she can control it and I believe has faught and lost that battle.
I guess you have figured out by now that I am not happy in the slightests, I felt more in control of things when i was single last year than I am right now and I do not like that feeling at all. I am still partly going through the whole thought process filled with judgments of “but a relationship should mean you are a team and work together” I guess that is an ideal that I am not going to have in my life. I was once faught for, with passion and now parts are making me question whether it was me being faught for or if it was the comfort of routine, predictablitiy or simply it was just wishful thinking that things would be different on both parts. Who knows because we don’t talk again and I am once again lonely in a relationship with someone who has my heart. Most relationships develop and move forward, next year will mark 10 years! That is a bloody long time and to still be in the same place we have always been in is not my idea of fun at all.
So I need my fight back, the fight I had last year when I was in charge for the direction I was going. Selfish? Most definitley and this can’t be a bad thing as many years have been lost living my life for others or waiting for others to catch up.
I have plans but no delusions. I know that this is going to throw lots of challeneges at me and the uncertanty of what the out comes could be scares the crap out of me, but for once I am not going to let my fear rule over my decisions. I have lived all of my life for other people putting them before me and I am now done. If they want to come a long then they will have to keep up with me because I am fed up of waiting around watching my life zoom past me wanting for things to be different. I have to make it different and I have to do it on my own if I am going to make it work.