Is finally here, this makes me very very happy ….. What would make me happier is if we weren’t having typical British weather of rain! I
want need to go for a walk but as you may know by now I don’t like rain, it spoils the type of walk I enjoy. The ones where you just walk in a direction for a certain amount of time or until you find a lovely spot to be able to just sit and be, then after a whole of losing time, thought and worry to stand back up and be able to walk back home without getting a sinking feeling in your heart.
I need to get out and find my enthusiasm for life again. Yesterday it was lovely and sunny, I tried picking up my hoops again but every time I do that voice in my head that I spent so long getting to shut up starts beating me down. Needless to say hooping was replaced by crying with a sense of mourning for the confidence I once had with it. I do not like acknowledging that my
mental health disorders
quirks are more than likely to be responsible for this sudden change in attitude and think a lot of the time others forget/don’t know that these things actually exist as all they see is The Hippie me. I know full well that I am the only one who pats me on the back for keeping it together and battling against the head crap every day, of course if I’m struggling then that is noticed and commented on or I’m avoided.
That is why I need to get out and about
I’ve found that I can’t think properly while at home, too many distractions and responsibilities that keep me in the same place 24-7 and not only does the day to day things keep me in the same place they make me tired and more than willing to just give up trying to ever get out of the rut I always fall back into.
Then of course comes the frustration because I know what I need to do/need to start doing more of and all the tools that will help me achieve my goals, then I look around to see I’m on my own in it all and then get consumed by the sadness that follows.
So what am I going to do about it? To be perfectly honest I am going to make more coffee, snuggle under a blanket and think some more …. I make even be naughty and have a cookie! After my nomelette of course. Dinner has been planned and the chicken is currently in the slow cooker and once the kids are up I plan on having a spiritually cleansing lush bath.