For me this morning it was the hope of being sat in the bath able to be in my own little world while I get some of my head crap out of the way so I can carry on with my day. Of course I am a mum so this plan is being interrupted by conversations about what chores need to be done and rather odd questions and explanations off the not so small boy, although coming from him means they are not odd but completely normal questions in this house … My favourite of last month being “mum why were you born a human and not a banana? What or who decided that you would be in human form?”
I’ve been physically ill over the weekend as premenopausal Mother Nature decided to join me rendering me out of action pretty much with only my brain left to run amuck in my painkiller fuelled doped up state.
I feel nothing but guilt at the fact of how much I hate my life…. Bare with me ok because I am very grateful for those in my life, I love my family my friends and I am very grateful for the things I have. The guilt comes from the fact I am not happy and I am yet to find the answer or even a remote clue to my issues. The reason I hate it isn’t because it’s constantly horrid, bad things don’t always happen and I am able to make the most of it …. I think that is part of the problem …. Everyday I make the best of it, I have to make the effort to keep going when I don’t particularly want to. No I don’t want to die. I feel as though I am completely living someone else’s life, I guess I am in ways, I’m living life for others not for me. No I do not hate being a mum, I love it and anyone who knows me knows how dedicated I am to my children.
The parts that really get me down revolves around trying to get my true life, I have stopped calling it a dream life as it’s become more of a dream. The downside I have found is my sudden obsession with money and how to get it. I don’t have any pretty much all of the time and I certainly don’t have a single idea on how that will ever change. I am so trapped that a day doesn’t go by that I find myself crying and focusing on all of my regrets, missed opportunities as well as the realisation that I’ve started seeing these as regrets and not as lessons (which I’ve always managed to do) I know a lot in life has happened and I am by no means being the victim.
(If you think I am sounding a bit hypercritical at this point or confusing then welcome to my head where it is never quiet due to there being at least 4 other people keeping me company in here) which then leads me to remembering I have certain “mental health diseases” to battle against on my own as others seem to forget I have that job to do too. And no you can’t just switch them off and no I have no intention to go on any meds and yes the more emotionally stressed I am the less I sleep and the more physical pain I feel.
I always wanted to be able to travel, show my kids the world and give them that much hope and confidence in the world and themselves that nothing would ever get in their way. Instead we are still stuck in social housing living hand to mouth and relying on help from the government.
How the hell am I going to get out? I’m starting to think I never will and that I’m just going to carry on the rest of my life putting up and shutting up in a life I do not want, in a situation that I do not want like many people do all of the time!
Everything I try and think of gets stopped at the first hurdles which I always come across and they are money followed by transport. My town, like many others, isn’t that full of opportunities for people like me and everything always comes down to money …. Always.
I came across this image earlier
That’s exactly what I have wanted to do, but it takes money. I am flexible in the fact I home school and wanted to take the boy to learn hands on from different people, experiences, places etc. He’s worked really hard on his wellbeing and reactions over the past year and feel now would be the perfect time, he is a lot calmer and if he does have a reactive moment can calm himself down a lot faster than ever before.
But it always comes down to money and travel. If we want to go anywhere I either don’t eat or don’t pay a bill and even then most of the time it still isn’t enough. Also before anyone points out the massive list of things you can do that doesn’t cost money I will inform you that I know of these as we do them and always have.
So my search continues as strong as the tears rolling down my face as one thing I refuse to do is give up, my body may want to, heck the two loudest head people want me to but my heart and soul are still refusing backed up by the quieter yet more rebellious head strong head people won’t let me.
(In other news my bath has lost most of it’s temperature and I’m starting to get hungry so I should really get out of my
warm warmish bubble and start my day properly)