This time of year always comes with it”s ups and downs, mainly downs and right now is worse than normal. I am very angry at the world right now, well more life than the world and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do I am always having to do it on my own. I am a huge believer that we create our own futures, our own luck and that we get out of life what we put in. This is strongly being tested right now as it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, how hard I work or how ill I make myself trying to achieve my goals all i get is kicked right back to where I started from. Yes expect a post where it is quite obvious that I have let my heart and fingers do the writing with no input from my brain.
My life seems to revolve around working my ass off, getting ill, asking for help, being let down so then having no choice to work my ass off again. The cycle is killing me and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am doing my best not to give in, I am not a quitter by far but I am honestly not sure how much longer things can carry on like this.
I feel so lost, do not have friends to talk to about it and the odd bit of advice I do get is either to be single again and go for it truly on my own, or I get told I am obviously not working hard enough and am letting things stop me. I am not sure which makes me angrier. Bashing my head against things is tempting, crying is what I do instead.
Maybe this whole “you can’t move out of your social class” thing is real. Am I really meant to have the life I have right now no matter how much I hate it? I am almost 40 and still struggling with the same life I had 20 years ago, the only difference being my children are much older. We never did get to live on the farm we wanted to, Never did manage to take them on holidays, find someone they could look up to, that would be the role model their fathers never even thought about being. Ive never been able to afford to feed them and myself on a daily basis, and where as I know I am not the only one who feels like this, that i am much better off than so many other people and families out there I’d like a recount on my life please.
Today I am having a hard time accepting things for how they were, how they are and how i fear they are going to be. Ironic for a therapist who trying to get other people to do just this with their life. Usually I can, today i can’t. today i want to cry, scream and shout that it isn’t fair, that I never asked for any of this and the best I can do isn’t good enough, No matter what I do, it isn’t good enough and if I complain or try and talk to my other half about it, I am being mean and it ends up turning into him thinking I am having a go at him, even though he has also filled me with false promises, just as every one else does. This isn’t me looking at things in a negative way, It is the reason why I put up and shut up and have not really written in my blog for a while because it is all rather negative. But today came and if I didn’t write it all down I may of just exploded.
when we got back together last year I really thought things would finally change and now I am starting to realise it may of just been all talk to get me back and a year on it is back to that “comfy where I am” stage. you know the one where you are still sat waiting for the promises of commitment, of change, of someone else putting in the effort for a change. To actually be a family!!! you know the one where you share things. support each other, not ignore the other person when they are upset, the “oh there she goes again” looks. The “yes I want to move to Wales too and we will start making time for each other more, I wont spend all my time on the computer etc etc etc yada yada yada”
I am also to blame, I pull 14-16 hours a day fully focused on trying to build up my business and trying to home educate my boy. I have even had to learn how to make and update websites etc even taking the photos, all things people said they would do so I didn’t get to this explosive stage I get to when I have spent another year trying to better our lives when all that is facing me is another year of doing the same.
Having a retreat has always been my dream, it was my goal to be there for when i was 40 and no I am not coping with the fact I am possibly going to be still in this shitty council house, surrounded by people who hate me, watching my son suffer socially for it also doesn’t help. It isn’t like I am usually bothered about it, but I am only human and every now and again it all builds up ready for a day like today when I am not handling things too well.
ok rant over, I have work to do