Oh my word … *slaps herself lots* how come I have never come to the realisation that hit me as soon as I woke this morning? Seriously why? As soon as my eyes opened I heard a voice that wasn’t physically there. “well you know what you need to do don’t you? why are you waiting when you can just do it now? fully do it, without flitting in and out from one thing to another, you are your own worst enemy but you already know this” it was like being told off by my grandma, in fact the voice was very wise woman like.
if you have been a regular reader of this blog, you are more than accustom to my ramblings as well as being aware of the life I dream of living. You will also be aware that I am in constant conflict with the community and way of life I live in the middle of (council estate) and that I am that ‘character’ of the neighbourhood, trying to fit into both worlds. It is no wonder my head is a struggle at times. You will also know that this year so far has been a mix of ups and downs, lots of downs in fact or what I had presumed as downs. If you are not a regular reader I think I have summed up the general undertone of most of my posts. Constant conflict between the life I live in my own little bubble and the life I feel forced to live in. I am constantly trying to strike a balance, constantly trying to fit into two worlds in my own way. This isn’t working and I feel it is now time to actually jump in with both feet.
As I stepped outside this morning two things hit me, the freezing frosty ground and the smell. I love the smell of early mornings (6am early) spring smells like fresh new growth and now that it is almost moving over for the start of summer it is time for me to sew seeds. not just in the garden but also within myself.
I am an earth loving, nature loving being one with nature hippie type person. What the heck have I been doing that has kept me in a place that I am not too fond of? I tell you what I have been doing …. nothing, nothing but trying to keep a balance between the life in my head and the life that surrounds me. No wonder I have been struggling.
It is ten years since I first decided to make big changes in my life, coming off medication, making new friends, searching for a life I will be happy with, finally having the courage to have dreads and embrace the me that I had been fighting against for so many years. The past ten years has not been easy, making changes usually isn’t lets face it. There are things then that I honestly believed I would never be able to change and now I can not believe how different I am. It has been hard work, there have been times that I wanted to give up, there have been times where I thought I had given up, turns out I was wrong, turns out I have more fight than I thought.
YEAY GO ME
So I have had the feelings of something new stirring inside for a while, since at least November. The feelings didn’t have much in the way of direction and I found myself flitting from one thing to another trying to make sense of it all. It all got a little too much then I had some good fortune meaning I could go away with my other half for a few days and have a whole week of being on holiday. This truly grounded me to my spiritual side but soon enough coming back hit me like a tonne of bricks not helped by the amount of drama between some of ‘my girls’ which is still leaving ripples. Then we had the energy changing/boosting effects of a super new moon, Spring equinox and solar eclipse, followed by my decision to do the walk in her shoes challenge. it felt as though separate parts of my being have been pushed and pulled all over the place and to be honest I didn’t think I would be at the stage I am now. It was only yesterday that I was posting how my head was still fuzzy and clouded, that I couldn’t make sense of it all which was getting frustrated. Even walking didn’t make much difference, or so I thought.
Of course over this time my head has been on over drive, thinking is one of the things I do best and I am always being told I think too much. I have been trying to put thoughts in order, filing things away until they can be dealt with once some other things were out of the way, or had at least been organised.
Last night I had a lovely hot bath, meditated while in there, didn’t actually fall asleep, I even managed some quite strong visualisation. My sleep was solid, for the first in a long time I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and despite the strong spiritual vivid dreams didnt wake up until I the distant sound of my sons alarm finally became louder and louder forcing my eyes open ready for another day. I wanted to go back to sleep, it was nice feeling that relaxed and comfy but instead I dragged myself out of bed and into my regular routine of getting up, coming down stairs, filling the kettle and opening the back door to let the cat out. As soon as I felt the tingle that comes with stepping barefoot onto frost my inner energy started to wake. Every fresh foggy breath filled me with energy as things started falling into place, my brain fog lifting and replaced with glimmers of warm encouraging sunlight. My problem has been trying to find a balance between two worlds that I do not think are actually ready to be balanced between just yet. Why am I only partially waiting to live the life I want until I get out of debt? or until I have moved? why can’t I live the life i want to now? Why have I been thinking it wasn’t doable in the middle of a council estate surrounded by people who do not understand me in a town that doesn’t understand me?
My other half doesn’t really follow the same ideals as I do, neither do my children, heck my youngest is at the age where he doesn’t want to be anything like his mum, even though it is his upbringing the outside world has made him question everything he use to take as fact and when there is more of them than me its understandable if still a little heart bringing. I have to start living my dream, not just dreaming it. I am in the middle of this cycle and I believe that I know where it is heading for the first time and even though I can see some of the hills I will have to climb at least I feel more prepared than ever.