Ever get a feeling that you’re missing something? That niggling feeling of something life changing that you have no name for but know its importance?
When I started out on the journey of finding out who I am, what I’m capable of ten years ago I never thought for once I’d be able to achieve to get where I am today. Life may not seem to of changed around me that much, I’m still living hand to mouth with more debt than I’d like in w crappy council house that is falling apart. Inwardly however I can honestly say I am a lot closer to being the true me which is something I never thought I would ever be able to say. Even though I’m quite happy with who I am becoming there is still a sense that I am still no where finished learning life lessons or finding out new things about myself which so far this year it’s turning out to be an eye opener.
At least now I’m understanding things more as I am always looking for reasons and explanations to things about myself.
I do believe I’ve discovered an underlying issue. I have a constant deep feeling of regret that gets carried around with me every where, a sadness that I’ve not been able to put a name to but one that gives me a strong over whelming sense of loss as strong as when you’re mourning the loss of a loved one.
I’ve finally figured it out and it is going to take some time to process and work through I think, or maybe I have already been working through it and this realisation is part of the end process? Goodness know but now that I’m aware of what these emotions are linked to I feel I can make a start on accepting the loss, learn lessons from it and move forward. Rather than these emotions acting as heavy chain keeping me from moving on in the direction I want to go.
So what is this great loss?
I wanted to bring my children up in the country, on a farm, living off the land leading a healthy natural life. When I had both of my children I wanted them to have the life I never had and I feel as though I have more then let them down.
My eldest is 21, moved out of home and has been through so much that he needs serious therapy to help him move forward in his life. He’s recently started having flashback of memories from when he was younger, things that even though I know we’re out of my control still feel as though I have let him down and didn’t protect him when it was needed.
My youngest is almost 15, has various issues which we are still working through And is going to take some more years yet I think until he is settled.
The time has passed and even though I know I’ve done the best I can with many a bad situation the sense of sadness is still there, and it hurts beyond belief.
It’s time that I started accepting that that dream is over, nothing I can do about any of it now, it has been really tough and really rewarding all at the same time. Looking back there is no way I could of achieved the things I wanted because life didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. I had to concentrate on coping with everything the universe threw at me which took time and energy.
Now is time to stop brining the past negativities with me to the future, to find the positives, accept what can’t be changed and start to focus on what can be so my life can move in the direction I want it to. Letting go of the judgments and the self blame is something I know I can do because I have done it so many times before.