My last post has really made me think …. Yes I know “no shit shirlock, she’s been thinking again” and I’ve been running through my life in my head since I thought about writing it. Once it was down and posted a weight was lifted off my shoulders and replaced by a sense of knowing and understanding. I do love blogging for the self therapeutic effect it has and on that note I’ve decided to share my negatives to positives list. Some didn’t start off in a negative way as such but instead of focusing on the negatives of that time (which I have been doing to some extent) it’s time to really get those lessons and positives down in written form so they are out of my head. I may even print them off at some point so when I am having a more challenging time I will have a reminder.
Early childhood – was awesome. I have in the past felt saddened that it was cut short but in the first eight years of my life I learnt the value of nature, how to grow food, how to forage for food, the importance of looking after the earth, to make do and mend. It was when our family was the closest and when life was full of excitement and joy. I was always encouraged to stand up for myself, to stand out from the crowd and be me. Creativity was never judged and always encouraged as was my imagination and my sense of freedom. I learnt the importance of knowing where your food came from, how it was killed, how to use as much of the life as possible with little waste and the importance of being grateful for what we had. It was also the time that I learnt the importance of hard work, especialy when it came to working the land. You really do get out of it what you put in.
The abusive years were not much fun to say the least. My memory of that time is all over the place with huge chunks missing. The fact that I was abused and then not believed by my mother has made me the mother I am today, I put my children and their wellbeing before my own, they know I will always be there for them no matter what and that they have my unconditional love and support. I vowed to always be there for other young people and believe what they tell me without judging them for it. As far as I am concerned if it turns out to be a lie there must be another reason why they felt the need to lie to me. I always promised myself not to get lost in adulthood, to remember what it is like to be a child and indeed a teenager, the pressures and of course the hormones. The fact that when I was younger we were always expected to know things and behave in ways we were not yet taught, like we should of been born with the knowledge already. It also taught me to make the most of the more positive times and that my imagination and dance have me the sense of freedom I no longer had.
Now I am an adult it’s understandable why I failed school and that I know it wasn’t because of my lack of intelligence or willingness to learn. I forgive my past self for not being able to cope, I was after all still a child alone trying to get by with no support.
Marrying the father of my first child taught me to listen to my instincts as my grandma encouraged. That “doing the right and proper thing” usually means it’s right in the eyes of society but doesn’t means it’s right for you. His actions and behaviour eventually taught me to stand up for myself, that I wasn’t a door matt and to find the energy and fight to break out of the cycle I had been in for a very long while.
The debt I was left with from my ex husband and other ex taught me to be financially independent and not to rely on others for financial support.
The fact I was a completely different person back then,who made a lot of bad choices, proves that people can have the ability to change. That the change in myself proves I can continue to change for the better.
I’ve learnt that we can’t always be in control of what life throws at us and that’s ok. What we can control is what we take from it all, what we learn is important and we can either be a victim or a survivor. My life experiences mean I can help others from a place of actual experiance not just from what comes from a book. I know not to take things as a personal attack when the people I try to help and support, block and ignor me. For that is their choice to make, everyone has the ability to change and grow, their choices are theirs to make and their life lessons are theirs to learn. I’ve done that part of my life but I shall always be here for them when they need me. It is not my fault if others can’t take responsibility for their own actions and it’s also not my fault if they can’t even see it.
The past ten years of finding out who I am, coming off medication to take charge of my own wellbeing has lead me to be able to be who I am today. I’ve shown myself to have the strength to change, understand and learn. That I am actually moving forwards rather than repeating cycles, that I can now start to notice potential cycles and that I still have things to learn in life in order for it to develop and grow.
Being with my other half has taught me that not all men are suppressive dicks and that you don’t have to have a lot in common with someone to be able to give them your heart. That putting your own expectations onto someone isn’t how relationships work but instead accepting them for who they are as a whole helps keep the relationship strong enough to go through anything that gets thrown your way. He’s also taught me that by being me and the best person I can be makes me happy, which makes him happy and I am for ever grateful for his support through the past ten years. In the scheme of things the fact that he has seen me at my worst and is still with me is much more important than his ability to annoy me at times over the everyday things.
I am learning that you can be independent while still asking for help, and I can ask for it more than I use to be able to.
I have learnt that I am strong enough and confident enough not to care what people think of me or how they judge me as I am not in control over their thoughts.
What I can do is be honest with myself, accept and listen to my inner truths without judgment and keep working towards my everyday and future happiness.
Oh yes I have learnt not to judge and how to accept…… They are two things that have really helped in noticing the things I have learnt and how to find positives in the darkest of times and memories.