“life is too short” a saying we all have said at some point with most (including myself) only paying a lip service to the very well used phrase.
This year so far has been challenging for me. Everything I’ve planned has had to be changed for one reason or another and let’s say life has been rather testing, with one solved problem being replaced by several new problems and even though I have to keep changing things around which can be quite frustrating, I thought that I was keeping on top of things as much as I could. I appear to of not just been slightly wrong but very wrong.
A couple of weeks ago I woke up and a sharp pain in my chest and back made me catch my breath and have to lay back down, thinking is slept funny and pulled something I carried on with my day, or as much as I could. Breathing was very hard and I really couldn’t take deep breaths … Oh and tiredness like i’d not slept at all. Walking around town was hard and I had to tell my friend to slow down quite a few times. After much pestering from her ALL day I called nhsdirect and gave them my symptoms and figured they’d agree that I’d just pulled something and to rest. Nope! This was not the case and within 5 minutes I was hooked up to a heart monitor by paramedics, after a few odd looks as it sounded like a techno track and the comment of “hmmmmm are you sure you’re ok?!” I was whisked off to hospital. My second thought of “perhaps my natural caffein levels are naturally high” was thrown out of the water the next day when they diagnosed I had a P.E That because of my lifestyle I have the same stress levels as someone in combat that may be the cause of my rather thick blood. It’s also believed that my flexi tendon injury threw off a clot when I damaged it again a couple of months ago.
I am ok now physically, I’ve given up caffein just incase that helps and I am happy to say that the only side effect has been feeling tired. They carried out a CPT scan which feels like you’ve had a massive shot of some spirit followed by the sensation that you’ve just wet yourself. Very very odd. The scan results came back with good news although they now want to scan my thyroid which I am still waiting for but if it wasn’t for my friends nagging I may not be writing this and any other issues wouldn’t of been picked up. Oh and it has been suggested by a friend that I get my left shoulder looked at because it’s not sitting right. I gave up trying to convince my dr that it hurts all the time years ago.
Mentally I keep on going through waves of thinking I’ve got things under control and fleets of silent panic. It is why it has taken me so long to get this post written and even now it’s a struggle as I am finding it hard, yet again, to put thoughts into words.
With everything else going on right now, my grandma telling me all about her regrets (she’s been bedridden since her stroke 3 years ago) and making me promis to live my dreams the last thing I needed was to be on a ward with frail and very poorly elderly ladies. Mortality has hit me, reversed and hit me again several times.
One day I will have it all planned out, the next I find myself hiding away in fear while also getting cross with myself for doing so. The thoughts that I could of died and not be around loved ones feels devistating as do the thoughts of everything in life I want to accomplish and wouldn’t of. Yes there are days this fuels my determination to make the needed changes and then the battles in my head start.
Today has not been one of my good days but if I had wrote this yesterday it may of ended up being a completely different post alltogether.
What I do know is that for some goodness knows reason I’ve let fear stop me from doing so many things and yet it’s the illogical fear that stops me from getting over those fears. I am working on it though, some days I’m having to work harder than others but I do believe I have the glimmer of confidence when I say I know over time the good days will be greater than the bad as I start to digest everything that’s happened and move forward in great strides with my life