Life is far too short to not do the things you want,and because I’ve obviously been on Facebook for far too long I will also point out that this applies as long as it doesn’t hurt another person …. I would include living creature but for me eating meat is part of what I enjoy. I am forever putting things off because fear keeps me in my comfort zone, the only issue being is that I want to be able to get over these fears in order to enjoy new experiences and make the most of life.
This time next week I shall be at a festival which I’ve always wanted to go to, yes it’s taken me ten years to buy a ticket but I have one, I’m also due to do a fire walk which is all paid for. I hear nothing but positive things about it every year after my friends have been too which always makes me kick myself for giving into fear and missing out.
I’ve read so many life stories from people who have embraced life, faced fears and are now living a much more happy and enriched life. That’s what I want for me how ever I am just at the start of this journey and it scares the hell out of me.
The anxiety has already kicked in and I still have a week until I have to go and yes I do have to go. I am refusing to listen to the internal dialogue telling me not to, to stay at home so I don’t have to go through the experience of the week I face let alone the actual festival. Of course there is plenty of internal dialogue enforcing the whole “you can’t build on positive experiences by always doing the same thing” followed by mindfulness exercises, noticing fears and letting them go oh and crying, lots and lots of crying mixed with nausea and shaking. It’s not much fun right now
I’ve attended other festivals including Play festival which I’ve?. been going to for years and yet I am only at the stage where I can tolerate about an hour away from the tent and I certainly don’t attend workshops or poi or hoop in front of people. I do that at a festival full of the most excepting,non judgmental, loving and kind people you will ever meet. They feel like family so how the fuck am I going to cope next weekend, at a place where I don’t know many people and where I don’t have the distraction of work or being a mum in charge of small people?
I know when I’m told that I will be alright by people that they mean well and believe I can do this, I feel guilty because their support doesn’t make the noise in my head any quieter and I go from being a strong woman into a petrified child inside. Yet I am still doing it which I am proud of and I feel there may be more updates during the week as writing it down and sharing helps me.
Fears today have mainly been about the day of getting there and pitching up. From what if there is no space? To is my tent going to be too big and of course the dreaded thoughts of being cold at night. It’s not the thought of the actual firewalk that scares me it’s the fact there will be lots of people and at a time when I am normally in bed, especially now even more exhausted than I’ve ever been. I’m trying not to think about the other fears right now
Positives are that the tent is down from the attic and appears to have everything in there. I also have got a new camping bed.
I am still asking myself why I am doing this